Falling Out of Love
Galia Artzy, Ph.D.
Registered Psychologist

"Remember when we met and thought this would last forever? Remember when we used to look into each other's eyes and say silly things and giggle? Remember when we couldn't wait to be together? When we had all that fun? Well, I don't feel that way about you anymore. I am not sure how to tell you this, but I think the love is gone."

How does it happen? How does a loving relationship turn into apathy, indifference and anger? This process of disaffection or "stumbling out of love" is actually a rather slow process. It can take months or maybe years to show itself.

Disaffection is the gradual loss of emotional attachment with an increasing sense of apathy and indifference toward one's lover. In about 60% of couples who become disaffected, the doubts about the relationship are already present during the first year of the relationship. But the process can take many more years before one partner, or both, decide to bail out. During that time, there may be many opportunities to change the relationship and restore the love. Unfortunately, most couples postpone getting help until the situation is quite desperate and the chances for reconciliation are small.

Most disaffected spouses can pinpoint a "turning point" - the time when something changed and they started seeing things in their partner that they did not notice previously. At that point the "bubbly personality" became "too emotional" and the "fun loving" partner turned into "childish and irresponsible". Little misunderstandings became disagreements and those turned into fights.

After a while, the fights take on a life of their own; we can predict what would start them and we can practically recite who would say what all the way to the inevitable end, whether it is crying, door slamming, or deadly silence. Partners feel increasingly stuck and start looking for alternatives outside the relationship - new friends, new job, some college courses, more time with the kids or at work. Some take a lover; others think it would be nice to be single again. The drifting apart has started.

Can this process be reversed? The answer is yes, and the sooner, the better. If the power struggle has started recently, the prognosis is very good. The odd couple may be able to sit together on their own, discuss things rationally, and make lasting changes. But the majority of couples will need the help of a counsellor, a trained professional who will not take sides. If the power struggle has been going on for some years, the chances of bringing the relationship around are somewhat smaller. After years of hurt, anger, and bitterness, it may take much effort and commitment of both partners to make a lasting change. It will take courage to face the challenge and deal with the "baggage".

The role of the counsellor is to provide the couple with a safe environment to discuss their feeling, to mediate, and help the couple bring out difficult issues without escalating into their usual fighting pattern. The couple can then learn new ways of communicating by listening and expressing their feelings and wishes. They can address the bitterness, learn to let go and start over.

Sometimes things have escalated beyond return. Either one, or both partners feel it is time to dissolve the marriage. Even though the love cannot be restored, the couple may still need some help. In some cases, the decision to separate is unilateral, leaving the other partner surprised, hurt, and grieving. Even if the decision is mutual, there is often a grief process. There is grief over the loss of the marriage that was and the marriage we fantasized we could have but didn't. There is loneliness. There are changes in identity, social status, and income. When children are involved, there is also the stress of handling their loss and establishing a new household. During that period, counselling can offer support and gentle guidance through the stressful changes.

Troubled relationships can leave us feeling lonely, misunderstood, angry, and grieving. It is not necessary to deal with these feelings alone, and the sooner we seek help the sooner we can start feeling better.

Peacekeeping at What Cost?
John R. Cook, Ph.D.
Registered Psychologist

As a society, we have begun to recognize the importance of intervening with victims of abuse and accidental injury. We award financial compensation, support them through their court experiences, and send them to treatment and rehabilitation centres. Unfortunately, lessons learned with our civilian casualties appear to be lost in efforts to support our peacekeepers. Perhaps it is because the civilians are seen as powerless, unwitting participants to their misfortune. On the other hand, military personnel sign up for service knowing the risks they face, or do they?

Posttraumatic Stress Disorder or PTSD in its more severe form is an extremely debilitating and enduring psychiatric condition. It results from being exposed to grave dangers while experiencing intense fear, helplessness or horror. The effects of these dangers are cumulative. PTSD may become active right away, it may follow a series of events over several months, or it may lay dormant until triggered by a relatively minor event years later. Studies have found clinically significant symptoms of PTSD in up to 25 percent of returning peacekeepers, with as many as 15 percent meeting actual criteria for a diagnosis.

The features of PTSD fall into three symptom clusters: re-experiencing, withdrawal and numbing out, and being on permanent alert. Re-experiencing takes the form of unwanted memories or flashbacks that are triggered by people, places or activities that serve as painful reminders of the trauma. PTSD sufferers do their best to avoid these triggers by withdrawing and numbing out emotionally. Being on permanent alert is accompanied by insomnia, irritability, difficulties concentrating and hypersensitivity to every possible danger in their surroundings.

PTSD is often accompanied by a loss of interest in sex, outbursts of anger sometimes leading to violence, and a tendency to abuse drugs and alcohol. Needless to say the disorder is as hard on partners of PTSD sufferers, and often leads to separation and divorce. The effects of PTSD are often inter-generational, since children of PTSD sufferers can be affected by being subjected to a chaotic and sometimes abusive upbringing. These children may even suffer from secondary trauma by listening to accounts of their parent's peacekeeping experiences.

There are social and political factors operating in civilian life that make women and children the overwhelming targets of abuse. Similar factors operate in military life that place our peacekeepers in harms way. For example, an unspoken rule within the Armed Forces has been to maintain a strong exterior by not discussing upsetting events. This practice severely hampers efforts to debrief personnel following critical incidents and dramatically increases the risk of PTSD. Only recently, with General Romeo Dallaire's disclosure of PTSD stemming from his ordeal in Rwanda, has this practice been changing.

Of even greater concern is the fact that our peacekeepers have been departing from their traditional role of assuming a neutral presence with formerly hostile parties. They have increasingly been deployed in active war zones before hostilities have subsided - sent in lightly armed and poorly equipped to defend themselves. This has created severe emotional conflict around rules of engagement: being asked to show restraint in response to life-threatening provocation. Psychologists have speculated that this conflict places our peacekeepers at greater risk for acting out their anger inappropriately both during their missions and on their return home.

Fortunately, PTSD responds favorably to trauma desensitization treatment. The trauma desensitization treatment of choice is Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing or EMDR. EMDR is a non-drug, non-hypnosis method of treatment that uses alternating (left-right) visual, auditory or tactile sensory stimulation. This stimulation triggers a natural processing mechanism that helps us cope with painful memories by neutralizing their most upsetting or disturbing properties. In some cases EMDR may have to be supplemented with drug and alcohol rehabilitation, anger management, physical exercise and support for the family.

If you or someone you love appears to be suffering from the symptoms of PTSD, get help. See your physician, and contact Aegis for a free introductory interview.